A Piece in My Mind

Why did Rachel disappear?

Well Hi All,

I hope someone is actually reading this and I'm not just sending this stuff out to the universe for nothing. So some people have probably been wondering what happened to me, why I disappeared for such a long time. And it's funny to me because it's not like it happened one day, not like I woke up and decided that I was going to seclude myself. If you know me well enough to actually care to read this, then you probably know about the mental illness issues I had in high school and part of college. Well, I haven't had problems with depression for quite some time now, which is great of course. Everything was fine right after graduation. Marty and I moved into a duplex and I was able to get everything a place. We had lots of free time and everything was good. The house was almost always clean or at leasted on a regular basis.

Well, then about a year later we bought a house and that's when things started to fall apart. If you know me at all, you know that my... hummm... quirks come out more the more stressed I am. There were so many projects to do to update the house that I was never really able to find homes for things and stuff just piled up. My OCD overwhelmed me to the point of in-action. I actually didn't realize until recently that was what the problem was until I was watching Oprah one day and there was a woman on there about a hundred times worse than me. She couldn't find the prefect place for anything so she just left stuff everywhere. Then the piles overwhelmed her and she couldn't figure out where to start. Also she was so wrapped up in whether she would need something someday again that she couldn't get rid of stuff. I said, "that's my problem!" With having so many rooms being remodeled I couldn't put things where they went so they ended being in the wrong rooms cluttering them up too. Of course finally knowing the reason helped me. I realized that was why the kitchen had been sitting in utter disrepair for nearly 3 years. If I couldn't do it perfectly I couldn't do it at all. The sanding of the cabinets was such a dissapointment that I couldn't pick up the sander anymore (stupid vinnear). It was Very hard for me to come to the invitial conclusion that they weren't going to work vanished because the sanding had gone through the vinnear in some places so painting was the only option. I am glad now that I did finally act. The room is so close to being done and it's beautiful. Clean Sweep is also very theroputic for me as well.

Now my other problem is harder to pin point when it started. I've never liked calling people on the phone that I don't know. My one professor in college used to make me call people and ask for art donations to try to get me over it, but it didn't work. I was never one to speak up in class or in front of a group, it was just too terrifing. At some point I got to where I wouldn't even call people that I do know. Now I've always had problems with anxiety, at least for as long as I can remember. They definately got worse after I got engagement, just with everything that had to be done. So that added to my stress which added to everything else. I mean I was having panic attacks over a year ahead of time. Then a little over a year ago I realized something that was really quite scarey. I was having a really hard time leaving myself house by myself unless I was going to work. If I was in a store and someone else was in the aisle I needed to go down I would wait for them to leave before I would go down it. I was in my friend Erika's Wedding last summer and she had the ladies walk up the aisle by themselves. I was so frightened that I almost didn't go. The minister had to ask me if I was okay because I was shaking so much. I realized that this had happened very slowly, but it had come to a point of descision. Either I could continue going the way I was and get to the point that I was basically a shut in or I could go in to see my doctor. I went to my doctor because that was not the way I wanted to live. She put me on Paxil which helped some. I was only able to take half of what she wanted me too because it was messing with my sleep. So it helped, but not as much as I wanted. She told me I could try going up again at anytime that I thought I needed it. About a month ago I did. It's so strange, maybe not, but I've noticed such a difference. I will actually talk to cashiers and have a little conversation. I'm not nervous when I talked to my friends anymore. I would get nervous or anxious to talk to Liz and Erika. What's with that? Anyway things are getting better. The more I get accomplished in the house and for the wedding the less anxious I feel.

I don't like the fact that I have to take a drug to feel normal, but if it's between taking something so I feel normal or not and feeling the way I did... I'll pick the drugs everytime. So now that you all think I'm completely crazy, I should go.

posted by Ziese52 @ 11:42 AM